The Best Red Dwarf Quotes Every Fan Knows

The Best Red Dwarf Quotes

Red Dwarf has been running, on and off, since 1988 — three million years from Earth and still going. What has kept it quotable isn't the science fiction. It's that the dialogue is mostly people being petty at each other in a very small ship.

These are the lines fans actually use.

"Everybody's dead, Dave."

Holly, breaking the news to Lister that the entire crew has been wiped out by a radiation leak, with the bedside manner of a computer explaining a parking fine. The delivery is the joke — Norman Lovett plays it as mild admin. It has since become the standard British response to any situation that has gone comprehensively wrong.

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

Ace Rimmer's catchphrase, and the perfect distillation of the character: a version of Arnold Rimmer from a parallel dimension who turned out heroic, charming and unbearable. The line means nothing. It sounds like it means everything. That gap is the entire gag.

"No such thing as silicon heaven? Then where do all the calculators go?"

Kryten's theological position, delivered with total conviction. Silicon heaven is where mechanicals go when they die, and Kryten's faith in it is unshakeable — which makes it one of the show's better running jokes, because the argument is airtight if you accept the premise, and the premise is absurd.

"Would you like some toast?"

The Talkie Toaster, patent pending, your chirpy breakfast companion. An appliance built with artificial intelligence and a single obsession. The joke works by attrition — it will ask again, and again, and the crew's mounting fury is entirely reasonable and entirely futile.

"Mr Flibble is very cross."

Rimmer, having lost his mind to a holo-virus, conducting an interrogation through a penguin hand puppet. It should not be frightening. It is deeply frightening. Mr Flibble is one of those rare comedy inventions that fans quote decades later without ever quite being able to explain to a newcomer why.

"Chameleonic life forms? No thanks!"

Rimmer again, mid-breakdown, declining a shapeshifting horror in the manner of someone turning down a leaflet in the street. Chris Barrie delivers it with the brisk politeness of a man refusing a second helping, which is precisely what makes it land.

"So what is it? So what is it? So what is it?"

The Cat, asking the same question with escalating insistence and zero patience for the answer. It is the purest expression of the character — total self-interest, no attention span, and an absolute refusal to let anyone finish a sentence.

"There's no way a vacuum cleaner should give you a double polaroid!"

Lister, objecting to something on grounds of basic principle. Craig Charles delivers most of the show's best exasperated logic, and this is a fine example: a complaint that makes complete sense right up until you think about it.

The Mug

Red Dwarf Quotes Mug

Most of the lines above, printed the whole way round. The silicon heaven argument with its calculator. The kipper with actual kippers. Mr Flibble in his bow tie, being very cross. Available in 11oz and 15oz, and it does the useful job of identifying, instantly and across an office kitchen, exactly who else has seen it.

View the mug

Why These Lines Stuck

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor wrote Red Dwarf as a sitcom that happened to be set in space, rather than science fiction with jokes in it. That distinction is why the quotes travel. Almost none of them need the plot explained.

"Everybody's dead, Dave" works whether or not you know about the radiation leak. "Would you like some toast?" is funny as pure persistence. You can drop these into a conversation with someone who has never seen an episode and the line still lands — which is not true of most cult sci-fi, where the best lines need three minutes of setup.

The other reason is the delivery. Red Dwarf was shot in front of a studio audience with actors from stage and stand-up, and the timing has the unhurried quality of people who know the laugh is coming. Holly's flatness. Rimmer's wounded pomposity. It reads as writing, but half of it is performance.

A Word About Smeg

The show needed an expletive that would get past the BBC, so it invented one, and "smeg" did a decade of heavy lifting — smeghead, smegging, smeg off. It sounds exactly rude enough to work while being technically meaningless, which is a genuinely clever piece of comedy engineering.

It also produced one of British television's better accidents: an Italian domestic appliance manufacturer of the same name, and a generation of viewers who cannot look at a fridge without smirking.

Who Says What

• Rimmer — hologram, smeghead, Arnold Judas Rimmer BSc SSc, and the source of more quotable material than anyone else on the ship. Mr Flibble. "Chameleonic life forms? No thanks!" "Give Quiche a Chance." His alter ego Ace supplies the kipper.
• Holly — the ship's computer, IQ of 6000, and the flattest delivery in the series. "Everybody's dead, Dave."
• Kryten — Series 4000 mechanoid with a guilt chip and an unshakeable faith in silicon heaven. Best known for querying a red alert on the grounds that it means changing the bulb.
• Lister — last human alive, curry enthusiast, and the voice of exasperated common sense. The double polaroid objection is his.
• The Cat — evolved from Lister's pet, motivated entirely by food, sleep and his own reflection. "So what is it?", repeatedly.
• The Talkie Toaster — one function, infinite persistence.

If the quotes land, the rest of the range does the same job: the Red Dwarf Quotes T-Shirt, the Talkie Toaster mug for the truly committed, and Rimmer for whoever in your office has earned it.